Sir J M Barrie

Sir J M Barrie

Scottish writer

Moustache type: Walrus

Born: 9 5 1860 (Kirriemuir, Angus, Scotland)
Died: 19 6 1937 (London, England, aged 77, pneumonia)

James Matthew Barrie is the creator of Peter Pan, Wendy, the Lost Boys, Tinker Bell, Captain Hook (qv), Neverland and the Darling family (based on the Davies boys, who were the grandsons of George du Maurier and cousins of Daphne). His lasting fame is due mainly to Peter Pan, the first performance of which was staged in 1904. But he also wrote many more novels and plays including the Thrums novels, a successful series written in Scotch dialect and based on his home town of Kirriemuir.

Barrie was rich and famous in his lifetime, was made a baronet in 1913 and received the Order of Merit in 1922.

His literary friends and acquaintances included the moustachioed Arthur Conan Doyle (qv), H G Wells (qv) Jerome K. Jerome (qv) and Robert Louis Stevenson (who, because of his royale or soul patch, is sadly ineligible for inclusion in this catalogue).

Dr Thomas Barnardo

Dr Thomas Barnardo

Irish philanthropist

Moustache type: Handlebar

Born: 4 7 1845 (Dublin, Ireland)
Died: 19 9 1905 (London, England, aged 60, angina pectoris)





Dr. Barnardo founded the charity that bears his name in 1866. Today it spends over £100 million a year helping vulnerable children and young people.

He had been alerted to the plight of those whom he made it his life’s work to help after lending his medical expertise in the battle against the cholera epidemic of the 1860s. He was stationed in east London where he was appalled by the number of starving and maimed children sleeping in the streets and filthy gutters. His first children’s home was established in 1870.

The aim of the homes was to admit destitute children regardless of age, sex, religion or nationality. The charity also sought to train the children in skills they could use to find work and support themselves once they reached adulthood.

Dr. Barnardo also set up one of Britain’s first fostering schemes. However, all this worthiness pales in comparison to his marvellous moustache.

Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley

American basketball player

Moustache type: Nailbrush

Born: 20 2 1963 (Leeds, Alabama, USA)

In 1996, to commemorate the NBA’s 50th anniversary, a select panel chose the 50 greatest basketball players ever to grace the American game. “Sir Charles” Barkley was among them.

Barkley’s greatness centred around his ability to read where rebounds would bounce coupled with his determination in claiming them, plus his prolific scoring record (he scored 22.1 points per game on average and got 12,546 rebounds across his career).

He played in the NBA for the Philadelphia 76ers (1984-92), the Phoenix Suns (1992-96), where he was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player in 1993, and the Houston Rockets (1996-2000). He retired due to a knee injury.

Barkley was an occasionally-controversial character. In 1997 he defenestrated a man in New York. He was asked if he regretted the incident but was unrepentant, commenting: “I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”

In 1992 Barkley won Olympic Gold as part of the USA dream team that also included that other great moustachioed American basketball player Michael Jordan, qv.

Bobby Ball

Bobby Ball

English comedian

Moustache type: Dancing slugs

Born: 28 1 1944 (Oldham, Lancashire, England)


Bobby Ball was born Robert Harper, but changed his name to Ball when he formed the comedy double act Cannon and Ball with Tommy Cannon, who was born Thomas Derbyshire. Ball has possibly the worst moustache in this catalogue; it being untidy, scraggly and asymmetrical.

Cannon and Ball’s popularity reached its apex in the 1980s when they were the highest paid comedians on British TV, earning £50,000 per week each. They had once been £20-a-week welders. But their ‘traditional’ style of comedy was eclipsed as the decade ended with the rise of alternative comedians. Nowadays Cannon and Ball are stars of the pantomime circuit, still have a popular stage show and are evangelical born again Christians.

Tommy, the straight man, said Bobby was a natural choice as the funny man: “He just walks onto the stage and everybody laughs. Either you have it or you don’t.” Perhaps Tommy was also talking about Bobby’s sex appeal. Ball says he has bedded more female fans than he could count. This for a man who is just 5’4”, fat, and who has had a perm for much of his career. Even a bad moustache can work wonders it seems.

Arthur Balfour

Arthur Balfour

Scottish Politician

Moustache type: Jay's

Born: 25 7 1848 (East Lothian, Scotland)
Died: 19 3 1930 (Woking, Surrey, England, aged 81, heart failure)

In early 1878 the Foreign Secretary, Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, The Marquess of Salisbury, chose Arthur Balfour as his Parliamentary Private Secretary. In 1885, with Salisbury now Prime Minister, Balfour was promoted to President of the Local Government Board. In 1886 Salisbury gave him a cabinet post as Secretary for Scotland, and in 1887 he chose him as Chief Secretary for Ireland. Salisbury was Balfour’s mother’s brother. The phrase “Bob’s your uncle” was born.

Balfour was initially considered more philosopher than politician but his reputation as political lightweight diminished with his tough incumbency as Irish Secretary, when he earned the nickname “Bloody Balfour.”

In 1902 Balfour succeeded his Uncle Bob as Prime Minister. His premiership lasted three years but it was as Foreign Secretary in the coalition government in the First World War that he left his final mark. The Balfour Declaration espoused a Jewish homeland in Palestine.

Balfour stands proud as the first of Britain’s eight moustachioed Prime Ministers.

Lieutenant General Robert Baden Powell

Robert Baden Powell

English soldier

Moustache type: Caterpillar

Born: 22 2 1857 (London, England)
Died: 8 1 1941 (Nyeri, Kenya, aged 83), cause of death unknown to blogger




Robert Baden-Powell, the hero of Mafeking, served his country with distinction as a soldier but is known primarily as the founder of the scouting movement.

During the Second Boer War (1899-1902), Baden-Powell withstood an 8,000-man-strong Boer siege for 217 days, masterminding military artifices such as encouraging his men to step over non-existent barbed wire. He was promoted to Lieutenant-General, returned to Britain a national hero and retired from the Army in 1910. In 1937 he was appointed to the Order of Merit.

Two years earlier he had laid the foundations of the scouting movement with the publishing of his book Scouting for Boys. The book was based on an earlier book he had written for army scouts.

In 1920 Baden-Powell was named ‘Chief Scout of the World’. Today there are 28 million boy scouts worldwide. Scouts, do your duty, when you are old enough grow a (preferably ginger) tache in honour of BP.

Michael Attree

Michael Attree

English satirist

Moustache type: Handlebar

Born: 22 4 1965, place of birth unknown to blogger





Some men in this book, one feels, have moustaches almost by chance, as if they followed the fashion of their times or didn’t like their upper lip. Michael “Atters” Attree would certainly not fall in with their number.

Atters is the Editor of Roguishness for the satirical magazine The Chap. Readers are treated to a double-page article each issue where Atters writes, like Hunter S. Thompson on Martinis, about debauched evenings out in Soho or finding the enlightened moustache in Bollywood.

Atters also writes for Flux magazine and The Erotic Review. Away from journalism, he has turned his kid-gloved hand to TV producing and antiques dealing.

Atters is the only living member of ‘The Handlebar Club’ (started by Jimmy Edwards, qv) to be included in the catalogue. He has been chairman of the World Beard and Moustache Championships and has a website called Ministry of Moustaches. Along with Gandhi (qv), Dr Martin Luther King (qv) and Albert Einstein (qv), Atters must be considered one of the giants of this catalogue.

Clement Attlee

Clement Attlee

English politician

Moustache type: Trapezoid

Born: 3 1 1883 (London, England)
Died: 8 10 1967 (London, England, aged 84)


In 1945, the Conservative party, led by Britain’s heroic wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, was defeated in a landslide general election by Clement Attlee’s Labour party. In 1942 Attlee had been installed as Deputy Prime Minister in Britain’s wartime coalition government, effectively placing him in charge of domestic affairs, and the British people were evidently impressed.

The Attlee government established the NHS and nationalised the Bank of England. He led the Labour party in government and opposition for 20 years before retiring and being made a peer.

On the first anniversary of VE day, the 8th June, 1946, the BBC was broadcasting for just the second day since shutdown in 1939. The Sunday Chronicle called the filming of the parade the BBC’s ‘finest two hours’ as they brought viewers ‘the cufflinks on Mr Churchill’s sleeves and the bristles of Mr Attlee’s moustache.’ They don’t make TV like that anymore.

Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Turkish politician

Moustache type: Pencil

Born: 19 5 1881 (Salonika, Ottoman Empire)
Died: 10 11 1938 (Istanbul, Turkey, aged 57, cirrhosis of the liver)




In 1935, as part of his drive to make Turkey a modern nation state, Mustafa Kemal passed The Family Names act, which required the population to adopt a surname. He chose Atatürk, which means “father of the Turks.” Atatürk’s name was well deserved. Having repelled the Allied forces at the Battle of Gallipoli in 1915, he then became Commander in Chief of the Turkish forces in their victorious War of Independence against the Allied powers, who had sought to divide up Anatolia between them. In 1923 he founded the modern Turkish state to replace the crumbling Ottoman Empire, and became the new country’s first president.

Kemal at once embarked on a huge-scale modernising drive which prescribed secularism, female emancipation, a Latinized alphabet, and educational and cultural reform. A personality cult around him remains in Turkey to this day.

Atatürk must be considered a super villain for moustache lovers. Whereas turncoats like Jeremy Bowen and Phil “The Power” Taylor simply removed theirs, Atatürk compounded the sin of shaving his by banning the moustache altogether in Turkey in a dress reform made even more nefarious by its banning of the fez hat.

Gordon Astley

Gordon Astley

English Radio DJ

Moustache type: Caterpillar

Place and date of birth unknown to blogger


In the days when he had a beard, Gordon Astley played second fiddle to Keith Chegwin on the 1970s children’s pop music quiz Cheggars Plays Pop. Since then the eponymous host has sadly proven everyone who said “Cheggars can’t be boozers” wrong, while Astley has gone on to smaller and worse things. After an initial upturn in his fortunes when he was chosen as Chris Tarrant’s replacement as the host of the eighth series of the madcap Saturday morning show Tiswas (there was no ninth series), Astley became a local DJ on BBC Radio West Midlands.

Since then he has graduated to the mid-morning slot on BBC Southern Counties Radio where he “chats to the biggest names visiting Surrey, Sussex and North-East Hampshire”, including Barry Cryer and Deana (daughter of Dean) Martin. He has also pursued numerous other pursuits in attempts to reclimb the celebrity beanstalk, including magic, motivational speaking, recording a non-charting anthem for World Cup 2006, palm and tarot reading and graphology – he is the “Official Graphologist to the England Cricket Team” (or was in 2002 anyway).

Astley has listed various amusing facts about himself on his BBC website including the fact that he “hates racism and foreigners”, “would most like to be stuck in a lift with a lift engineer” and that his “moustache is real and not stuck on.” Well done Gordon.

Asterix

Asterix

Gaulish comic book character

Moustache type: Fu Manchu

Created by René Goscinny and Albert Uderzo in Pilote magazine (1959)

Asterix is a warrior from the first century BC and the titular hero of a series of comic books by Goscinny and Uderzo, the first of which was written in 1961, two years after the character’s debut in a French magazine. Asterix is prime defender, alongside his friend Obelix (qv), of the only Gaulish village which retains its independence from the Roman Empire. The continued failure of the Roman army to conquer Asterix’s village is attributable to the secret potion brewed by the village’s venerable druid, Getafix. This potion gives superhuman strength to those who ingest it, and Asterix is the most frequent beneficiary.

The village’s colourful characters include Chief Vitalstatistix, whose only fear is that the sky will fall on his head, Cacofonix, the tone-deaf bard and Geriatrix, an ancient man with a beautiful, buxom young wife.

The fact that all the male Gauls have moustaches and none of the Romans do is almost certainly a contributing factor in their ability to hold out, although Goscinny and Uderzo presume upon the individual reader’s literary perspicacity to work this out.

Rene Artois

René Artois

French sitcom character

Moustache type: Nailbrush

Portrayed by Gorden Kaye in the British comedy series ‘Allo ‘Allo (1982-92)

René Artois is a café proprietor in a small town in Nazi-occupied France during World War II. Fundamentally concerned with self-preservation, René attempts to maintain good relations with each of the war’s various combatants, including the occupying Germans and the French Resistance.

His self-interest extends to domestic affairs. René has a hard time keeping his secret romance with his waitress Yvette a secret from his wife Edith, and keeping his secret romance with his waitress Maria a secret from Yvette (and Edith).

Most of the episodes’ humour revolves around René’s love affairs, his resistance to helping the Resistance, his interrogation by the Germans, his interaction with various national stereotypes - including the British Airmen he is hiding - and his attempts to keep hidden an extremely valuable painting – The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.

It is noteworthy in ‘Allo ‘Allo that all the men on the Allied side have moustaches and all the Germans are clean-shaven. An admirable rewriting of history by Messrs. Croft and Lloyd.

Chester A Arthur

Chester A. Arthur

American politician

Moustache type: Half-horseshoe

Born: 5 10 1829 (Fairfield, Vermont, USA)
Died: 18 11 1886 (New York City, New York, USA, aged 57, heart failure)

Abraham Lincoln was the first president of the United States of America to sport facial hair, with his famous (perverted) beard-but-no-moustache look. Arthur’s three immediate predecessors, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes and James Garfield had full beards but America had to wait for its 21st president before they were led by a man with a moustache.

Chester Alan Arthur, a Republican, was sworn in after the assassination of Garfield, for whom he had served as vice president. Some suspected Arthur as having been complicit in his predecessor’s murder. The assassin, Charles Guiteau, had shouted “Arthur is president now!” upon murdering Garfield. He knew how it worked didn't he? Arthur’s tenure lasted from September 1881 to March 1885 when he was succeeded by Grover Cleveland (qv).

Arthur’s most notable actions in office included the Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act and passing the first general federal immigration law.

Arthur is lucky to be included in this catalogue. Had his moustached drooped an inch lower he would have been disqualified under the Burnside Rule (see A Note on Qualification).

Seth Armstrong

Seth Armstrong

English soap opera character

Moustache type: Imperial

Portrayed by Stan Richards in the British soap opera Emmerdale (1978-2004)

Seth Armstrong made his debut on Emmerdale Farm, as the soap opera was then known, in 1978, six years after it had premiered on British television. He made his final appearance 26 years later, making him Emmerdale’s longest-running character to date.

Seth was initially employed as a boiler-repair man before becoming the gamekeeper of Home Farm Estates, a job he held, on and off, for 19 years.

The majority of Seth storylines were risible. They included his accidental shooting of ‘The Beast of Beckindale’; frightening everyone with a new set of dentures; and cheating to win a heaviest pumpkin competition by filling it with nails.

Seth was married to Meg, had two sons and, after Meg’s death, lived with village gossip Betty Eagleton who had been his childhood sweetheart.

To Emmerdale fans, Seth Armstrong is Seth Armstrong. To those who do not watch he is ‘that bloke with a moustache off Emmerdale.’

Arkwright

Arkwright

English sitcom character

Moustache type: Nailbrush


Portrayed by Ronnie Barker in the British comedy series Open All Hours (1976-85)



Albert Arkwright, always referred to by his surname, is the proprietor of a small corner shop in Yorkshire, which he runs with a tight fist and the assistance of his half-Hungarian nephew, Granville (played by David Jason, qv).

The title of the show references Arkwright’s almost-pathological miserliness as he seeks to extract more money from the various local patrons of his grocery, a skill at which he is extremely adept. The shop opens early (much to Granville’s annoyance for it is he who is expected to get up early to open it) and closes well into the night (Arkwright performs this role as the show closes, normally in conversation with God).

Running gags in the show include Arkwright’s stammer, a vicious till, Arkwright’s lecherousness over nurse Gladys Emmanuel (his fiancée) and his bullying of Granville (who delightedly claims refuge in Gladys Emmanuel's ample cleavage, much to Arkwright's irritation).

Arkwright’s inclusion in the moustache pantheon demonstrates that not all wearers are rakes, dandies and aesthetes. By shaving only four-fifths of his face just think how much the skinflint can save on razors across his adult life.

Viv Anderson

Viv Anderson

English footballer

Moustache type: Pencil

Born: 29 8 1956 (Nottingham, England)

On the 29th of November, 1978, at the age of 22, Vivian Alexander Anderson made history when he was selected by manager Ron Greenwood to face Czechoslovakia and become the first black footballer to represent the England national team.

Anderson, a right full back or centre half, represented his hometown team Nottingham Forest, where he won a league championship medal, the League Cup (twice) and European Cup (twice). He then moved on to Arsenal, Manchester United, Sheffield Wednesday, Barnsley and Middlesbrough.

He has had a relatively unsuccessful post-playing career in football, managing Barnsley for a season and assisting Bryan Robson during his former Manchester United and England team-mate’s time in charge of Middlesbrough.

Anderson should feel proud of becoming England’s first black international footballer. He should be prouder still that he was England’s first black international footballer with a moustache.

Alois Alzheimer

Alois Alzheimer

German neuroscientist

Moustache type: Jay's

Born: 14 6 1864 (Markbreit, Bavaria)
Died: 19 12 1915 (Breslau, German Empire, aged 51, heart failure)

On the 3rd of November, 1906, Dr Aloysius “Alois” Alzheimer gave a speech to the South West German Society of Alienists. In it he described the case of Frau Auguste D., a recently-deceased patient of Frankfurt’s lunatic asylum, where Alzheimer worked. For five years Alzheimer had been obsessed with Frau D. who exhibited peculiar behaviour, including the loss of her short-term memory. After Frau D’s death, aged 56, Alzheimer analysed the patient’s brain and found the abnormalities that allowed him to present the first published case of ‘presenile dementia’, which would become known as Alzheimer’s Disease.

Alzheimer’s disease is today recognised as the most common form of dementia. It begins with short-term memory loss and degenerates to affect the victim’s ability to speak, move and recognise even close friends and relatives.

No doubt there are moustachioed scientists just as talented as Dr Alzheimer who have been omitted from this volume. To that one must counter, there lies the value of the eponym.

Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha

Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha

German prince

Moustache type: Nailbrush

Born: 26 8 1819 (Schloss Rosenau, Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld)
Died: 14 12 1861 (Windsor, England, aged 42, typhoid)

“Excessively handsome” was one compliment paid to Albert by his English cousin, Princess Victoria who, after she became queen, he married in 1840.

Albert became Victoria’s closest adviser and closest friend. When he died, the Queen was infamously distraught. She wore black for the rest of her life and erected The Albert Memorial and The Royal Albert Hall in his honour. Prince Albert wasn’t held in the same esteem by his wife’s subjects; he was disliked despite his instrumental involvement with the hugely successful and popular Great Exhibition of 1851.

Though it is named after him the “Prince Albert” piercing did not adorn the royal pecker. It is believed that Richard Simonton, an active participant in gay, sado-masochistic, 1970s subculture, invented the Prince Albert story to give genital-piercing a respectable heritage.

For the moustache-connoisseur a “Prince Albert” is of course a small, neat, light brown, rounded nailbrush moustache with a small central gap.

Dr Alfred Adler

Dr Alfred Adler

Austrian Psychologist

Moustache type: Trapezoid toothbrush

Born: 7 2 1870 (Vienna, Austria)
Died: 28 5 1937 (Aberdeen, Scotland, aged 67, heart failure)

Alfred Adler may not be the best-known Austrian psychologist of the late 19th and early 20th centuries but within his professional field he is respected as a great pioneer.

Initially on friendly terms with Sigmund Freud, the two grew apart as their ideas became stronger and more divergent. Adler rejected Freud’s centricity on sex and instead propagated theories that focussed on inferiority complexes and birth order within the family (eldest over-achieving, second competitive, youngest over-dependent). He believed that humans strive to compensate for their shortcomings and did not agree with Freud’s ideas about carving the personality into ego, superego and id. Instead Adler preferred to examine the personality as a whole – he called this ‘individual psychology.'

Freud and Adler are certainly two of the most famous psychologists history has to offer. Rather than lament the absence of one great psychologist from the world of moustaches, the reader should be positive, and delight in the inclusion of one great moustache in the world of psychology.

Ademir

Ademir

Brazilian Footballer

Moustache type: Pencil

Born: 8 11 1922 (Recife, Brazil)
Died: 11 5 1996 (Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, aged 73)

Ademir Marques de Menezes is one of only two men with a moustache to finish as the top scorer in a World Cup finals tournament. Ademir, also known as Queixada (‘The Jaw’ or ‘The Chin’), scored nine times during the 1950 tournament that was held in Brazil and won by Uruguay.

Ademir was a slightly-built forward noted for his pace, powerful and accurate finishing and remarkable ball skills which he could perform with equal splendour whether stationary or going at speed. He was Pele's hero.

Ademir’s 1950 World Cup goals came against Mexico (2), Yugoslavia, Sweden (4, in a 7-1 win) and Spain (2). Regrettably he failed to find the net in the World Cup final against Uruguay, the daft bugger. He played his club football for Sport Recife, Vasco da Gama and Fluminense.

It is notable that the World Cup top scorer in 1978 was Mario Kempes of Argentina. He was forced to shave his moustache by his coach, Cesar Luis Menotti, and scored six goals. Flavio Costa, Brazil’s more liberal coach in 1950 had no problems with Ademir’s tache. And Ademir scored eight.

Gomez Addams

Gomez Addams

Spanish-American sitcom character

Moustache type: Dandy's

Portrayed by John Astin in the American comedy series The Addams Family (1964-66)

Gomez Addams, the patriarch of The Addams Family was created, along with wife Morticia, daughter Wednesday and son Pugsley, for a comic strip in The New Yorker magazine in 1937 by Charles Addams. The family’s forenames, however, were not given to them until the TV series began in 1964.

Gomez is, like his kin, descended from a long line of freaks and ghouls. He has a monstrous butler called Lurch and keeps an animate severed hand called Thing. He is a millionaire and lawyer, albeit one who takes a perverse pleasure in losing his cases.

Gomez is a cigar smoking, sword fighting, knife throwing, juggling romantic. His amour for his wife is aroused by her smallest action, becoming especially ardent when she speaks French.

In the films of the early 1990s Gomez was played by Raúl Juliá.

Gomez’s always immaculate attire is capped off perfectly by his trademark black moustache.

Abbas the Great of Persia

Abbas the Great of Persia

Persian Shah

Moustache type: Handlebar

Born: 27 1 1571 (Herat, Persian Empire)
Died: 19 1 1629 (Mazandaran, Persian Empire, aged 58)

In my introduction I wrote that some men who wear moustaches “are great, some good, some bad, some, indeed, downright bastards.” And so we begin with a great man who could equally have been called Abbas the Downright Bastard. In 1588 he revolted against his father, imprisoned him and seized power for himself. To avoid history repeating itself with his own progeny, he murdered his first born then blinded two other sons and sent them to be raised in a harem.

To his greater credit, he did make Persia one of the early 17th century’s most powerful empires. By his death it stretched from the Tigris in the west to the Indus in the east. One wonders if he honoured the horizontal extremes of his empire by growing this magnificent handlebar moustache.

We must be thankful to an accident of alphabet that this man who spoke and wrote in Farsi should have his name Latinized as Abbas. His is a fitting example to begin the catalogue, and would be an excellent choice for readers who have ambition, patience and vast levels of testosterone.

A Note on Qualification

Some men who do have a moustache are unfortunately disqualified from being entered in the catalogue. They include Rene Descartes, Emperor Franz Joseph I, Karl Benz, Robert Louis Stevenson, Honore de Balzac, Diego Velazquez, Christopher Marlowe, John Bunyan, John Millington Synge, Butch Cassidy, Alexandre Dumas, Charles “Black Bart” Boles, Harry Paget Flashman, Frank Zappa and Lemmy from Motorhead. These men scuppered themselves by wearing, along with their moustache, either “burnsides” or a “royale”.

Burnsides are named for the American Civil War General Ambrose Burnside, whose facial hair consisted of a moustache joined to his sideburns (also named for Burnside). Royales, or soul patches, are normally square or triangular and are worn beneath the lower lip but above the chin.

I found it necessary to be fascistic about what exactly determines a “moustache”. I felt at an early stage I could not include men with beards. Sadly this ruled out several of my heroes including Charles Dickens, Edward “Blackbeard” Teach and Mr. T. No-one would look at these or other bearded men and say “he has a moustache”. They would say “he has a beard”. The assumption is that anyone with a beard has a moustache unless expressly stipulated to the contrary – Abraham Lincoln or Michael Eavis for example.

So beards were out. I was then left to decide what exactly defined a moustache. My conclusion was that it should be the only facial hair on the face with the exception of sideburns, unless the sideburns joined the moustache to create burnsides. My decision has caused me some heartbreak as Flashman, Bolles, Vlad the Impaler, Brandon Flowers and Carlos Valderrama would have been proud additions to the catalogue.

As it is they must take their resting place in the moustache cemeteries that will be posted as appendices at the end of the catalogue.

The Death of the Moustache

As a young boy growing up in the 1980s I knew what made men and ladies different:

Men had moustaches.

My father had a moustache, my uncles had moustaches, my friends’ fathers had moustaches.

Television confirmed my assumptions about the fundamental difference between the sexes. Father Flump had a moustache, Dick Dastardly had a moustache, the Mayor of Trumpton had a moustache and Captain Pugwash had a moustache (and a little beard too). And these weren’t just any old characters. These were the alpha males, the main characters. It was apparent to me that if you wanted to be the head of the family or the mayor or to be captain of your own pirate ship you should have a moustache.

When I was five my teacher instructed me to draw a picture of my dad. I remember attempting to visualise him and the one thing I knew was he had a moustache. I couldn’t remember whether moustaches went under the nose or on the lips themselves and plumped for the latter. While this clearly demonstrated that biologically and artistically I was no prodigy, it indicates that the main male figure in my life was represented not by his job or his car or his ability to read me a story but by his moustache.

As I grew older I realised that moustaches did not grow on the lips but above them, and I was further convinced that men of status wore a moustache. Daley Thompson had a moustache, so did Ian Rush, Michael Fish, Mr Taylor the deputy headmaster, Des Lynam and Jesus.

Then came the epidemic.

Around about 1994, men stopped having moustaches. They became clean shaven or had goatee beards. They had designer stubble.

After approximately 150 years, moustaches were suddenly no longer in favour. In fact, it was more than that. In the mid-20th century the moustache was “no longer in favour”, but there were still proud and prominent representatives – Sir Anthony Eden, Terry Thomas, Joseph Stalin, David Niven and Charles de Gaulle to name but a few. In the 1990s the moustache was not just out of favour it was deeply, deeply unfashionable.

My friend’s father shaved his off. So did two of my uncles. John Aldridge grew a goatee. So did Gareth Hale. Kenny Sansom went clean shaven. So did Graham Gooch.

The trend has continued to this day. Once proud moustache-wearers like Ian Rush, Jeremy Bowen, Phil “The Power” Taylor, Eric Knowles, Mark Lawrenson, Peter Mandelson, Ruud Gullit, Nigel Mansell, Ringo Starr, Graeme Souness, John Kettley and Barry Chuckle have all sold out.

Nowadays to have a moustache is to be seen as eccentric, German, or homosexual (yet only one man in this volume is all three).

It is time for the renaissance of the moustache. To re-establish it as hirsute shorthand for manliness, dignity, style and authority.

Over the last few centuries moustaches have been worn by hundreds of famous, or infamous, men.

United by their choice of facial hair, these moustache wearers otherwise stretch across the entire spectrum of man. Some are great, some good, some bad, some, indeed, downright bastards. They span history and occupations. They comprise gunslingers and footballers, authors and wrestlers, artists and actors, politicians and murderers, scientists and potato-based toys.

Some of their moustaches are pugnacious, bristly affairs that warn potential muggers and loquacious Americans to stay back. Some are huge, unyielding brutes – demanding of their owner the kind of attention normally reserved for a show dog or vintage motor car. Some are dandified, curled, scented, waxed works of art. Some are meticulously sculpted, shaved and etched into the most delicate of lines. Some stretch across the face to tickle the ear lobes. Others droop beneath the chin. Some are simply grown, left unstyled, unshaped and only occasionally trimmed.

Some moustaches define the man – Jimmy Edwards, Michael Attree, Rollie Fingers or Sir Claude Macdonald. Some men define a moustache – Adolf Hitler, Salvador Dali, Fu Manchu or Friedrich Nietzsche.

It is time for more great men to grow moustaches. More importantly it is time for more men to grow great moustaches.

To play midwife to this renaissance I lay before you here, assembled for the first time, a catalogue of every* famous** man*** to have worn**** a***** moustache ever******.

I hope you see one you like.



* I may not have included every famous man. In my exhaustive research for this book I was frequently delighted by finding a new moustache. Should you be struck dumb by an eye-piercing omission please accept my apologies and notify me of my near-sightedness. But wait until I have reached the end otherwise I will bite you.

** Fame is of course, somewhat subjective. I have included Eugen Sandow, who for historians of bodybuilding is undoubtedly famous, yet have omitted David Battie, who is no doubt much-loved by viewers of the BBC’s Antiques Roadshow. Ultimately vagaries won the day. An interesting character, or a fantastic moustache was often the decisive factor.

*** Anatomists believe that Frida Kahlo was a woman.

**** A few men in this book do literally wear a moustache. The Tramp, the popular image of Charlie Chaplin, wore his moustache. Groucho Marx’s moustache is neither grown nor worn but painted. In a slightly different way so is the moustache of the gentleman who graces the Pringles tubes.

***** Some men have worn different styles of moustache in their life, or have worn a moustache throughout their life and seen its colour change. Wherever possible I have included the moustache worn at the height of their fame, or simply chosen what I consider to be an excellent example of a moustache.

****** Some men have worn a moustache but with such irregularity or for such a short time that I have considered them unworthy of inclusion. Examples include David Dunbar Buick, Bryan Ferry and Ian Beale off EastEnders.