Chester A Arthur

Chester A. Arthur

American politician

Moustache type: Half-horseshoe

Born: 5 10 1829 (Fairfield, Vermont, USA)
Died: 18 11 1886 (New York City, New York, USA, aged 57, heart failure)

Abraham Lincoln was the first president of the United States of America to sport facial hair, with his famous (perverted) beard-but-no-moustache look. Arthur’s three immediate predecessors, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes and James Garfield had full beards but America had to wait for its 21st president before they were led by a man with a moustache.

Chester Alan Arthur, a Republican, was sworn in after the assassination of Garfield, for whom he had served as vice president. Some suspected Arthur as having been complicit in his predecessor’s murder. The assassin, Charles Guiteau, had shouted “Arthur is president now!” upon murdering Garfield. He knew how it worked didn't he? Arthur’s tenure lasted from September 1881 to March 1885 when he was succeeded by Grover Cleveland (qv).

Arthur’s most notable actions in office included the Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act and passing the first general federal immigration law.

Arthur is lucky to be included in this catalogue. Had his moustached drooped an inch lower he would have been disqualified under the Burnside Rule (see A Note on Qualification).

Seth Armstrong

Seth Armstrong

English soap opera character

Moustache type: Imperial

Portrayed by Stan Richards in the British soap opera Emmerdale (1978-2004)

Seth Armstrong made his debut on Emmerdale Farm, as the soap opera was then known, in 1978, six years after it had premiered on British television. He made his final appearance 26 years later, making him Emmerdale’s longest-running character to date.

Seth was initially employed as a boiler-repair man before becoming the gamekeeper of Home Farm Estates, a job he held, on and off, for 19 years.

The majority of Seth storylines were risible. They included his accidental shooting of ‘The Beast of Beckindale’; frightening everyone with a new set of dentures; and cheating to win a heaviest pumpkin competition by filling it with nails.

Seth was married to Meg, had two sons and, after Meg’s death, lived with village gossip Betty Eagleton who had been his childhood sweetheart.

To Emmerdale fans, Seth Armstrong is Seth Armstrong. To those who do not watch he is ‘that bloke with a moustache off Emmerdale.’

Arkwright

Arkwright

English sitcom character

Moustache type: Nailbrush


Portrayed by Ronnie Barker in the British comedy series Open All Hours (1976-85)



Albert Arkwright, always referred to by his surname, is the proprietor of a small corner shop in Yorkshire, which he runs with a tight fist and the assistance of his half-Hungarian nephew, Granville (played by David Jason, qv).

The title of the show references Arkwright’s almost-pathological miserliness as he seeks to extract more money from the various local patrons of his grocery, a skill at which he is extremely adept. The shop opens early (much to Granville’s annoyance for it is he who is expected to get up early to open it) and closes well into the night (Arkwright performs this role as the show closes, normally in conversation with God).

Running gags in the show include Arkwright’s stammer, a vicious till, Arkwright’s lecherousness over nurse Gladys Emmanuel (his fiancée) and his bullying of Granville (who delightedly claims refuge in Gladys Emmanuel's ample cleavage, much to Arkwright's irritation).

Arkwright’s inclusion in the moustache pantheon demonstrates that not all wearers are rakes, dandies and aesthetes. By shaving only four-fifths of his face just think how much the skinflint can save on razors across his adult life.

Viv Anderson

Viv Anderson

English footballer

Moustache type: Pencil

Born: 29 8 1956 (Nottingham, England)

On the 29th of November, 1978, at the age of 22, Vivian Alexander Anderson made history when he was selected by manager Ron Greenwood to face Czechoslovakia and become the first black footballer to represent the England national team.

Anderson, a right full back or centre half, represented his hometown team Nottingham Forest, where he won a league championship medal, the League Cup (twice) and European Cup (twice). He then moved on to Arsenal, Manchester United, Sheffield Wednesday, Barnsley and Middlesbrough.

He has had a relatively unsuccessful post-playing career in football, managing Barnsley for a season and assisting Bryan Robson during his former Manchester United and England team-mate’s time in charge of Middlesbrough.

Anderson should feel proud of becoming England’s first black international footballer. He should be prouder still that he was England’s first black international footballer with a moustache.